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"OLD" is when ...

Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer "Pick one, I can't do both!"

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot!

A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door!

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom

You are not sure these are jokes!

Getting into Heaven

Stormy Daniels and a Queen went to the Pearly Gates on the Same Day.

They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."

The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The angel thanked Stormy, and then asked Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever, and flushed it without saying a word.

The angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."

Stormy was outraged and asked: "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Stormy," said the angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."

Uncomfortable questions of children?

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

The mother replied, "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

It Has Come To This!

I never thought the comment, "I wouldn't touch him/her with a 6-foot pole" would become a national policy.

The Covid19 virus has done what no woman has been able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all the bars, and keep men at home.

Every few days try on your jeans just to make sure they fit. Pajamas would have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

An Appropriate Analogy: "The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now" is like saying "The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now.:

Don't be Difficult with Old People

A little old lady handed her bank card to the teller and said, "I would like to withdraw $500."

The female teller told her, "For withdrawals less than $5,000 please use the ATM."

The old lady then asked, "Why?"

The teller irritably told her, "That is the rule. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you."

She returned the card to the old lady.

The old lady remained silent, but then she returned the card to the teller and said, "Please help me withdraw all the money I have."

The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and said to the old lady, "My apologies Granny, you have $3.5 million in your account and our bank currently does not have that much cash. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?"

The old lady then asked, "How much am I able to withdraw now?"

The teller told her, "Any amount up to $300,000."

The old lady then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw $300,000 from her account.

The teller did so quickly and handed it to the old lady respectfully.

The old lady kept $500 in her bag, and then asked the teller to deposit the balance of $299,500 into her account.

Don't be difficult with old people - they can outwit the young.

Irish Fisherman

The rain was pouring outside O'Connor's Irish Pub. There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched and holding a stick with a piece of string dangling in the water. A passer-by stopped and asked him, "What are your doing?" "Fishing" replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."

In the warm ambiance of the pub, as they sipped their whiskies, the gent, being a bit of a superior smart ass, couldn't resist asking, "So how many have you caught today."

"You're the 8th," replied the old man.

Modern Man

One who drives a mortgaged car down a bond financed highway using a credit car to buy gasoline.

Quick Logic of Children

Teacher: "How old is your father?"

Child: "He is six years old."

Teacher: "What? How is that possible?"

Child: "He became a father when I was born!"

Choices in Old Age

An old women was ask,

"At your ripe old age, what would prefer to get: Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"

The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinson - better to spill half my wine than to forget where I keep the bottle."

Priests Take a Vacation

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii for a vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, and sun glasses.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting in beach chairs enjoying a drink, the sunshine, and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight toward them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed she smiled and said, "Good Morning Father, Good Morning Father." They both were stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits - these were so loud you could hear them before you saw them.

Once again they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again, she nodded at each of them and said, "Good Morning Father, Good Morning Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."

"Yes Father?"

"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen"

Who said Blondes are Dumb

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the load officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The load officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan. The blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL500, and says the car is parked in the front of the bank.

She has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it.

Two weeks later the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 loan with interest of $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss we are happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Birthday Thoughts

Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita.

And They Ask Why I Like Retirement!

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic, or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a two hour long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending coffee break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: What do you do all week?
Answer: Mon to Fri. Nothing, Sat & Sun I rest!

The Danger Of Getting Too Old

Lawyers

A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."; The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: That the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endue a length and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars.

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and fined $24,000.

The Miracle Of Toilet Paper

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take" I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped, "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"; Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man!

Baptist Cowboy

A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of beer. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona and the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs."Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking; this hasn't affected my brothers though."

Redneck Vasectomy

A Kentucky couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband fixed. The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision - why after nine children - would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

Athletics In Old Age

Communication

A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce, and he asker her, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No,"; he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"Why, it is made of concrete, of course" she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."

He asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'Yes'."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes, about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, frustrated and at the end of his rope, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce. I've never wanted a divorce. It's my husband. He says he can't communicate with me."